Expectations and Letting Things Go

Expectations are funny things.  We do this to ourselves for many reasons and sometimes it just isn't worth it.  I thought about making a list of the things I have let go of recently.  Initially, the thought was scary then I decided that it just didn't matter and I should 'let it go'.

When tension develops between my expectations of what my family should be doing and what they are actually doing, I reflect and ask myself ...

Are they happy?
Does this negatively impact on anyone else?
Why am I expecting something different?
Are they capable of doing what I expect?
Should they have to do what I expect? Why?
Is this a battle I want to fight today?
Does it really matter?

Then I am able to choose whether I am going to 'let it go'.  

Most of the time I discover my expectations are not realistic and really aren't that important.

These two examples below are slightly frivolous but exemplify many of the little things I have to let go of on a daily basis because members of my family will not cope with the expectations I perceive we could/should be doing.  Or that we all agreed and planned to do but on the day, someone isn't going to cope.

Yes, there are important things sometimes that we really have to do but at the end of the day, weighing up the stress of enacting the expected action against not doing it becomes a regular reflection.  There have been successes when we have managed the anxiety someone experienced at the beginning, resulting in positive outcomes for all.  And yes, I/we have got it wrong and pushed when I/we should have backed off.  As the children get older we have more flexible options of some participating and others not.

Example 1 of letting things go

My two younger boys had school prize giving.
I felt the pressure to support the school and community and to attend prize giving.
Child H has extreme sensory issues in hall type environments.  He will become overloaded and his anxiety will increase.  His behaviour will change and become more anti- social as time wears on.  Child H arrives home from school with a sore foot the day before prize giving.
Child B usually does okay in these situations but throws up the day before prize giving day.
Prize giving day arrives and Child B is okay but not his normal self...  will he cope with prize giving in his current state?  Child H is still complaining of a sore foot and is not putting any weight on it at all... He is definitely NOT going to cope with prize giving in this state.

Enter the but what ifs to my crazy brain
What if one of the boys gets a prize?
What if they miss out on something by not going?
What if other people expect us to go?

OMG what will people think if we don't go?
Okay so now it is time to realise that if I force them to go, none of us will enjoy the experience, this is NOT a battle I wish to fight and NO it really won't matter if we do not go to prize giving.  My boys will be much happier not going so...
'Let it go!'

Example 2 of letting things go

Kids Golf Christmas Function
The boys had attended and enjoyed one session of kids golf on a Sunday.  They were invited to the Christmas function.  Child H loves golf and has experienced success at the driving range.  This is something that I want to encourage him to do as I believe he will enjoy it and experience some success which will boost his self esteem.   Child B enjoyed the experience and was keen to go again.
I reminded/ pre-warned the boys about the Christmas function the day before and both seemed keen to go.   The morning arrived and I woke both boys and tried to hurry them along to get ready.  Child H was tired.  Child H did not want to go.

My brain thought about our friends who were going and expecting us all there.
I thought about how I really wanted Child H to go as I thought this would be something he would enjoy.
I thought about how Child B would be disappointed that Child H did not go.
I tried to figure out whether child H really did want to go or not?????
I thought about what would happen if I pushed for Child H to go.
Okay so now it was time for me to wake up and smell the roses.
He did not want to go.  No one would enjoy it if I tried to make him go.
The world would not end if he did not go.
Child H would be happier staying home while I took Child B on his own so...
'Let it go!'

I guess my expectations for my family comes from thinking I/they want/need what neurotypical families have.  Sometimes I absolutely do want what neurotypical families have.  But most of the time I value my own very special and unique family and what makes them happy.

 Some people identify with the poem/reading below about expectations - It is usually something people connect with when they first receive a diagnosis for their child.